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Friday, November 17th, 2006
3:46 am - Bored Again, Stole this from Myself a While Ago, Call it a Do-over!
--The Basics--

Full name: Wesley Aaron Hatfield...Party on.
Nickname: Pretty much just Wes. Has also been Eeyore, Shrek, Monkey, Lurch, and Crunch, Chippy, Polar Bear.
Age: 24
Grade: A choice cut premium horses ass sucka...
Birthday: The 26th day of the second month.
People you live with: Me mummers...
Ages of those people: 44


Do you have a significant other? Technically, no, not at the moment.
His or her name: BATMAN!!! Wait, what're we talking about?
Do you have a "crush"? Hah, kinda, I dunno..
His or her name: *drool* That's all that pops into my head when I think of her...
Who's your best friend? Sasha, Karen, Judy, or maybe Jim. Jason's up there too, dunno...

--Romance and the Road to Procreation--

What do you look for in a romantic partner? Well, gotta have a vagina. After that, gotta like her.
Have you found that in anyone yet? Yep.
Do you want to get married? Sure, why the hell not.
Do you want to have children? I could stand one or two.
How many? 'Til I'm sick of 'em? 'Til she's sick of 'em?
The girl name(s): Something naturey, feminine, rare...
The boy name(s): Jackass... Oh wait, you meant real name, not what I'll call em...
Whom do you foresee having these children with? Probably someone whom I'd had sex with... Y'know, birds, bees, that whole bit.


Are your parents divorced? Damn straight.
Has either one ever been in a previous marriage? Only on days of the week that end in 'y'.
How many siblings do you have? 2 brothers. I stopped counting step-snots.
Do you and your sibling(s) get along? Cory's a pretty good shit, kind of a drunkard, but oh well.
Do you get along with your parents? My mom is like my roomy, my dad... he eats babies, then poisons whole orphanages before farting on pedestrians...
Do your parents punish you a lot? I could snap their necks with my bare hands, plus I'm pretty straight and narrow, so no...

--This or That--

Hot Dogs or Hamburgers? Not a big fan of raccoon sphincter sausages, so mostly cheeseburgers...
Vegetables or Fruit? Berries here lately.
Radio or TV? Bout equal.
Boys or Girls? Girls... Butt wiggling sexy sexy girls.
Pen or Pencil? Black pen...
Beavis or Butthead? Cyanide pill...
MTV or VH1? There's a difference?
Video or DVD? DVD
Reality or Dreams? Depends on the day...
Committed Relationship or Single? Relationships are work, but fun...

--What's the first thing that comes to mind when I say the word "__________"?--

Biscuit: Milkbone...
Cell: Biology.
Booty: Tasty...
School: Eternity...
Friends: That stupid friggin show theme song! Shoot me now!
Cheerleading: Gasoline and fire.
Smoke: Cough hack sneeze...
Destiny: Sleepy time.
Bible: That old person smell, bibles have that too.
Book: I miss books. Haven't read much.
Honor: Valor.
Dark: Sleepy..
Girl: Someone pops up...
Boy: Priest?
Basketball: Brain + bullet = all better!
Hair: Do?
Pool: uhhh.... water?

--Have you ever __________?--

...eaten sushi? Yep, although I didn't much care for the algae.
...been on stage? A few, too nerve wracking...
...been dumped? Like a fucking rock.
...had someone be unfaithful to you? Not that I know of.
...gotten in a car accident? Little bit.
...hiked a mountain? While ago, planning another trip...
...made homemade cookies? When I get a request...
...been in love? Yeah... Makes me smile to think of that feeling.
...seen the White house? I saw A white house. That counts, right?
...danced around naked? Not without being alone, or kinda drunk...
...lied about your bra size? Ummm... pickles?
...gotten drunk? Been buzzed, never really hammered though.
...run away from cops? Never had to.
...flip off you parents behind their backs? Nah, that's all cowardly and stuff.
...mentally undressed someone? Every day here lately. Turnabout's fair play though...
...eaten crayons? Did the rainbow colored teeth give me away?
...shoplifted? When I were a wee lad, aye...
...held a gun? Like an hour ago.
...seriously injured yourself? Couple times.


Cold or Hot? Cold.
Blue or Red? Blue's not bad. Unless it's my balls! *gasp*
New or Old? Old for handcrafted, new for electronics, and chicken, heh..
Give or Receive? Give.
Wool or Cotton? Cotton, unless I'm outdoors.
Rose or Daisy? Rose = done to death... Daisy = associated memories. I pick C) fried chicken.
Private School or Public School? Public.
Chocolate Milk or Plain milk? Why is everyone so interested in my milk? My sweet sweet pink milk? K, I need a moment alone with the milk... *mmmmmmmmmmm*
Celsius or Fahrenheit? Quack?
Spring or Fall? Fall, Spring has it's upside though.
History or Science? Science.
Math or English? English, big time.

--Within last 24 hours, have you __________?--

...had a serious talk? Only like 8.
...hugged someone? Ummm, sorta bear hugged Jessica.
...gotten along good with your parents? Blargh, don't ask.
...fought with a friend? Nah.

--Do you like to __________?--

...hug? Yeah, I kinda like it. Only girls though.
...give back rubs? Again, only girls.
...take walks in the rain? Heavy rain. Light rain makes my skin tickle...

--Oh, the Randomness!--

If you got a tattoo, would it be a snake sliding down your spine? Have a python hatching out of my arm, how's that?
Have you ever had that falling dream? Sort of, dunno what the cliche is though...
What color is the floor/carpet in your room? Brown... ugh.
What was the last CD you bought? I dunno, last time I got somebody a gift cd, years ago.
If you chew gum, what kind? Ummm, a chewy one?
How do you plan on spending this summer? I wanna go on a cruise to Alaska, but I think that might be put off a year.

--When was the last time you __________?--

...sang out loud? Yesterday probably.
...went to a porno site? Cory had me look up one he met.
...threw something? Chuck stuff around at work a lot.
...watched a cartoon? When do I stop?
...did something you enjoy? Earlier today, when my mind was off all this home crap.

--Do you __________?--

...have a pager? Those are kinda outdated, don't you think?
...have a cell phone? Fancy flippy one.
...have a laptop? Nah.
...have money in pocket right now? Like $2.
...have clothes on right now? Shirt and some sleepy shorts.
...have a mental disease? Does being friggin' AMAZING count?
...lie to people to make them think well of you? Not when I can help it.
...have behavioral problems? Depression, anxiety, self image issues, self doubt. Working on it though.
...have a car? Yepper.
...have self esteem problems? Yeah, but only cuz I suck at life.

current mood: pickled

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Thursday, November 16th, 2006
1:11 am - When You're Bored These are Amusing...
50 questions taken from lothos
Dammit, easy...

Nope. Don't plan on it either...

Heheh, not sure...

Changes, anywhere from 4:30am to 2pm...


Yep. Home sick with strep...

Take it... I'm not super photogenic..

Ummm... probably Jackass 2?

No, not really. Couple of acquaintances do, but none of my closer friends.

Yeah, it's been said before. Not in years though...

Never, I'd rather hit myself in the head with a hammer until I pass out. I'd wake up easier...

None, was some Christmas music.

Strawberry bitches! Pink milk is the stuff o' legend...

Surprisingly, no. I'm usually a secret repository.

Lol, eons ago.

I can and do. More than I should probably. At butts. Girl's butts. Yum. *whistle*

Usually their personality. If I don't like that I don't bother looking at anything else.

Tomorrow. And the next day. So on and so forth.

*looks over shoulder at anime playing in background* I dunno what you're talking about! *cough*

Nah, I'm not a friggin' billboard.

Probably either lifting weights, eating a turkey sandwich, or cleaning up frog crap. They all hafta be done.

Yeah, 3 I think. Not sure if they know I know. Heheh, isn't it fun!

Umm... That animal I've become one.

Shed a tear or cried cried. Been a while for either one.

Alienware desktop PC, bestest computer maker ever. Gonna hafta get a new one shortly, blargh.

Yep, some Tats. Decided against piercings. Too much maintenance.

Cold, rainy, muddy.

Depends on the tattoos. If they were sexy, then yeah. If it's dogs farting then probably not.

Bugged the piss out of a snoring Chihuahua.

Probably a month or two ago.

Used to be about 42, now it's down to 6.

I eat a piece of peanut butter bread with my vitamins and such.

Sometimes. I usually like more laid back though.

Went to Gameworks with a bunch of people.

No! *gasp* How dare you ask such a thing! I know not the meaning of such a foul word! Bitch!

25, heheh. I figured out that the scruffier I look, the older I look. I was all shaved up the other day and some girl thought I was 19 tops. A few weeks ago when I was all scruffy someone thought I was mid-thirties.

No< whY%?


Girls. I hang out with some guys, but it's always a little more tense.

It's great.

Stomach and one arm more oft than not.

Not unless I'm forced against my will. The news rapes my eyes.

Umm... Knives, nail, burn, dog bite, fall, you pick.

Tony. Big shocker there.

If it's romantically, there's one I'm sniffing around a bit. It's complicated.

A mountain dew to go with my homemade tamales that Jim gave me.

current mood: ravenous

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12:29 am - Nosce te Ipsum
Not too much going on. Can't sleep, too late to call anybody, so here I post.

I got drug out horseback riding the other day. It was a bit of a novelty for me, but Karen(work with her) took Sasha(work with her) and I out riding. I kinda liked it, although my horse kept trying to bite my foot... I wanna go again, heheh... It was more fun than I thought it would be, especially since they managed to find a horse big enough to carry my 270lb ass. I decided that I'm going to have Caitlin(work with her, grabs my ass like it's candy, kinda creepy) help me pick out a shire horse to buy when I get some money piled up. They're fricking huge, and I love em. I could probably board it at her or Karen's place I think.

Went to that big Indy reptile show on 11/04. I know that means nothing to anyone, but hey, it was fun, so there... Jessica(work with her) and Dustin(Jessica's beau) took it as an excuse to get friggin' hammered. They stayed up there overnight. I went up with Judy(work with her) and Karen, got me some frogs that were purdy and insanely cheap. Judy shocked us all and decided to get over her fear of spiders by buying a greenbottle blue tarantula... Seemed a bit extreme, but ah well.. It was actually pretty cute, I was holding it for a while.

Got some more tattoo work done, it's itching like a mother... Driving me crazy. Should be done peeling here shortly though.

Thinking about buying a whole new wardrobe. Honestly I've never really had a personal style. Mostly just wore whatever crap people bought me. I think it's about time I pick something and go with it. The crazy prep/dork/farmboy/metalhead clusterfuck clothes aren't really cutting it. Still feel guilty even thinking about spending money on something that frivolous though. Ah well. Non-verbal self expression just ain't my thang, yo... Might be all daring and try sleeveless shirts. I'd feel half naked, but I finally have the arms for it. Weightlifting rocks... well, not really. It hurts like a motherfucker, but it makes me all purdy. Only downside is that I've gotten a couple of those poppy veiny things. Blech. They don't really stand out unless I'm lifting though, so that's good.

Cory is in jail for assault. Still not sure how that happened, but with his drinking and temper, who knows. I wonder if he'll be out in time for Thanksgiving. Should be, wasn't anything serious from what little I could gather. Speaking of Thanksgiving, I get to cook! Yeehaw! I love showing off my cooking, and my maple-bacon turkey is friggin amazing. It's so good it's downright sexy. Might make a couple cheesecakes too, maybe a pumpkin one. I've been experimenting off and on with them, have a few techniques down, heheh... Of course Karen wants chocolate, and Sasha wants cookies, so we'll see.

current mood: grumptastic

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Monday, October 30th, 2006
2:26 am - SEX!! Ha, Got You to Look!!
Wow, holy muffin tins Batman, it's been a long crapping time since I've been on here. Let's see... What's going on in the world of Wes...

Well, first off let's start with the obvious. I have more animals. Duh. Mostly snakes. I seem to have become a dumping ground for snakes. Some boas, a retic, some burms, a jungle carpet, some sand boas, a ball.. the works. Thor the mighty tegu is going down for his second hibernation, about 500% bigger than he was last round. Rescued some Russian tortoises, they're doing pretty well. Have a sideneck turtle too. And of course all the other pets from before, except the birds.

My throat surgery seems to finally have taken full effect. I'm sleeping normally, and I actually have energy when I wake up. It's almost scary, heheh. Selling the birds helped a lot too. It made me sad, but my allergies were just too much. They had to go.

I got a wild hair up my ass and got a tattoo... Yeah I know, not really me, but screw it. Anyhoo, I got kind of into it and already have 3 more lined up. Heheh. Probably gonna end up having a half sleeve on my right arm and across the shoulders around the trapezius muscles. Got the artist a lot of business too, been down there a few times. Cory(brother) ended up getting one from him, Brad(cousin) got a couple, and Sasha(girl I work with) might get one too. The guy's name is Mark, kind of odd but nice, Jason(guy I used to work with) took me to his parlor because he wanted to price one up and he'd had a couple done, and it just kinda snowballed from there.

Went to a Halloween party Saturday night. I dressed up as Dog the bounty hunter, which ended up being a hit. Had the full mullet wig, sleeveless shirt, some silly string labeled as bear mace, the works. Went out to eat after, it was funny. Some lady actually jumped up in the middle of the restaurant and started screaming "Go Dog, woooooooo!"... The general consensus was that I looked like a total badass and should always dress like that, minus the wig. Personally I felt like a moron, but y'know, whatever.

As for my personal life... I dunno. Things are weird right now. I'm sorta seeing someone, but sorta not. I'm trying not to over think anything. Makes me wish my brain had an on/off switch. On the upshot I start up school again in January. Go me. Crap at home has been... I dunno, the same. Crappy. Yippie.

Dad turns 60 next month. That makes me kinda sad. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever see him again, or if I even want to for that matter. The more I think about that stuff, the more pissed off I get. So yeah, I try to not think about it much.

Anyway, that's enough of the self-indulgent tripe. Anybody want a cookie? Yeah, me neither...

current mood: satiated

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Sunday, July 2nd, 2006
4:37 am - Vaguely Interesting... If You're Me
I think work is shaving hours. Gonna have to look into it. I'm not the only one to have noticed... so I might be placing a call to the department of labor. Shouldn't poke the bear y'know. The bear is grouchy.

I have a fascination with pain. I never really realized it until the other night, when I found myself wondering what a gunshot wound would feel like. It actually crossed my mind to shoot myself and see. Not to shoot myself out of depression, or some sort of suicide attempt. Just out of curiosity, to see what it would feel like. It then occurred to me that I had just had what was surely my dumbest urge ever. But the curiosity is still there, lingering. So yeah, yet another way in which I'm screwy in the head.

Have you ever held a beating heart in the palm of your hand? It's disconcerting at first... Especially when the beating slows to a stop as the heart dies. One of those things I think everyone should experience once. A better portrayal of death I cannot imagine. Most people who do that don't really appreciate it I think. Of course it loses some of it's depth after about the 10th time. I suppose anything can become a boring repetitive task.

Aw well, I think I've been creepy enough for one night.

current mood: brain trauma

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Sunday, June 25th, 2006
8:19 am - Silly x's?? Hmmm... Maybe Silly.... Goofy's More like It...
Not much going on. Insomnia, can't sleep, might nap a tad before work type stuff. Got a free sump system, that was neat, not terribly sure what I'm going to do with it, but hey, can't pass up $500 bucks worth of free stuff. Fish tank sump that is. Not that other kind... blech.

I own in BG, especially AV. Rogues do it from behind... heh. If you understood that, then you play too much WoW. I know I do.

Mom's probably going to have the same neck surgery that Tony had. Apparently she has pinched nerves and whatnot from C3-C6 or some such. Didn't know bad posture from typing would do that, but it's the only reason we can come up with. So yeah, that should be fun.

There's a creepy little 17 girl at work stalking me. I dunno why she's creepy exactly, except for the being ungodly young thing. She just is. Too forward maybe. I dunno. Just makes me nervous. Like I'm on an auction block being inspected or something. That makes 4 creepy girls in a row who just bugged the shit out of me. I must have a sign on me that says "If you're creepy and you know it stalk this guy"... Blargh.

I think I wanna go see Superman when it comes out. Haven't been to a movie in forever. Haven't felt like sitting through one I suppose. I don't really watch Adult Swim much anymore, so that about kills TV for me. Alot of the new stuff blows goats. Big, hairy phallic goats. Tom Goes to the Mayor makes me want to throw up and shoot myself all at the same time. Those guys should be beaten with an oar. On the other hand, Korgoth has potential. Something about a guy getting his skin torn off and then getting lit on fire that strikes a chord with me. Heh.

Anyway, I should probably take a nap before I run off to the work house. Training a new guy, so yeah, that means I'm going to be bugged with questions all day. Y-i-p-p-i-e. Go Team. Suck.

current mood: credulous

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Sunday, June 4th, 2006
4:38 am - *tsssssssss* HOTT!!
Not too much going on. Been a tad over a month since my surgerization. Everything is finally starting to feel normal. Well, throat wise anyway. My nose is still... weird. Of course, that may be my fault. I was drinking and decided I should wrestle with Cory, who was also quite drunk. He ended up catching my nose accidentally when he was trying to get me in a choke hold. So yeah, that hurt. On the upshot, I can still whoop the little jackass.

My tegu woke up. He's eating about a dozen mice a day. I really should think of what to name him, before he eats my foot. Figure he'd work his way on up.

It's been a long while since I've been in a fistfight. I dunno why, and in all honesty it's probably not a good thing, but I've had a vague desire to kick the ever-loving crap out of someone lately. Probably a sign of my, um... angst. Yeah, angst.

So I was gonna get a tattoo. Only trick is, I can't think of what sort/variety of tattoo to get, or where. I'm not even entirely sure why I randomly decided I want one. Might be an early midlife crisis. Or maybe it's a post-surgical "hey I don't feel like hammered dogcrap n' toenails anymore" high.

I have a 10 hour shift tomorrow. Don't really wanna work, what with the whole everyone else quit thing. I'll be by myself half the day, doing the job of 3 people. Shame I don't get 3 people's pay, eh?

My State tax return got all screwed up in the filing process. That is to say, due to a technical snafu, it never got filed. I was wondering why my return never showed. Got that squared away yesterday. I think I'm gonna buy a weight bench with it. Assuming no dramatic and sudden monetary emergencies occur in the interim. Which of course they will. Sometimes I feel like a bank. Everytime I get ahead a little someone needs to borrow one, two, three hundred dollars. Not much you can do though. Still waiting on a return payment from the loan for Cory's auto insurance, and the bill my dearest mother ran up on my credit card. I swear I was smoking some strong crack the day I said she could borrow it. That was a joke. Drugs are bad. Don't do drugs. M'kay.

Speaking of mommy dearest, she just bought a whole new living room set and a large screen HDTV. Not terribly sure how she can afford to do that, what with the whole having to borrow from me and others frequently. But hey, whatever floats your boat. It is purdy, I'll say that much.

Sigh, it's waaaaaaaaay past my bed time. I'm a sleepy, sleepy little camper.

current mood: crepuscular

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Monday, May 8th, 2006
12:05 am - Ouch... Truck... Face... *SMACK*
Well, for any who were curious I lived, and my surgery went well. Uvulopalatopharyngoplasty, setptoplasty, and a bilateral turbinoplasty. Basically I gots the works. Look em up iffin' you're curious.

Still in a good bit of pain. Still on heavy heavy medication... Gonna go lay down now.

current mood: surgerized

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Friday, April 28th, 2006
4:16 am - Under the Knife... Err... Laser...
I have surgery in, umm... 3 hours. Go me.

current mood: DRUGS!!

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Monday, March 20th, 2006
10:09 am - Wow, Long Time No See.... And Other Random Blather
Not too terrible much going on...

I have a really odd schedule lately, sleep odd hours... I would suppose that's fairly normal for me though. Ah well. Dogs are doing ok, fat and happy. I have some birds that I didn't before, but nothing particularly notable...

Cory started visiting with my Mom a while back... Dunno if I mentioned that previously or not. It was going well until Matt found out and squealed on him, then Lord Captain jackass got all huffy and there was very nearly a replay of what happened between he and I some years ago. Still haven't talked to him, don't really want to anymore. I've cut myself off from other people very nearly completely. Dunno why. It's been an active avoidance without cause...

I've turned myself into a full-blooded hermit...

Cory got some girl pregnant a while ago. Apparently he was ordered to try and put the child up for adoption by you-know-who. It's no matter anymore though, the girl had a miscarriage. I didn't find out until after the fact.

Someone hit my car in a parking lot with a cart or some such. No visible damage, but my front right fender was forced back so the passenger door no longer opens... I suppose I just can't have anything nice. Gonna have to get that fixed, wonder how much it'll set me back. I've got a few thousand sitting around in the bank, but I'd rather not blow it on that... Blech.

I rolled funny in my sleep, ended up laying sideways on my bed, kicked funny, now there's a foot and a half hole in my wall. That was a shock to wake up to, my foot going through the wall.

How do you stop yourself from thinking about something? Or someone? I don't have the trick to that down yet. Been working on it for quite a while. I'm all about the avoidance...

I'm 24 now... Whoopie for me. Birthday was rather anticlimactic...

Bah, I'm outta crap to say.

current mood: rigor mortis

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Thursday, December 1st, 2005
5:15 am - Can I.... Eat your Brains?
You are 71% Rational, 14% Extroverted, 100% Brutal, and 71% Arrogant.
You are the Sociopath! As a result of your cold, calculating rationality, your introversion (and ability to keep quiet), your brutality, and your arrogance, you would make a very cunning serial killer. You care very little for the feelings of others, possibly because you are not a very emotional person. You are also very calculating and intelligent, making you a perfect criminal mastermind. Also, you are a very arrogant person, tending to see yourself as better than others, providing you a strong ability to perceive others as weak little animals, thus making it easier to kill them. In short, your personality defect is the fact that you could easily be a sociopath, because you are calculating, unemotional, brutal, and arrogant. Please don't kill me for writing mean things about you!

To put it less negatively:

1. You are more RATIONAL than intuitive.

2. You are more INTROVERTED than extroverted.

3. You are more BRUTAL than gentle.

4. You are more ARROGANT than humble.


Your exact opposite is the Hippie.

Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Spiteful Loner, the Smartass, and the Capitalist Pig.



If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits.

The other personality types:

The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

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You scored higher than 55% on Rationality

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You scored higher than 12% on Extroversion

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You scored higher than 98% on Brutality

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You scored higher than 81% on Arrogance
Link: The Personality Defect Test written by saint_gasoline on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Hmm... Yeah, I guess that sounds right. Don't worry, I won't kill you all in your sleep. I have a guilt complex built in, remember?

Oh yeah, apparently I like cutesy looking girls. 'Nother test said that. Got me.

Oh yeah. I got a new lizard. He's an orange Saharan uromastyx. Haven't named him yet. Any suggestions?

current mood: sinusitis

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Thursday, November 24th, 2005
9:21 pm - *Death Rattle Wheeeze*
So yeah. Sunday night I started feeling crappy.

I have the flu. I hate the flu. The flu killed my grandpa. Seriously, that's not a joke. Every time I get the flu I have a larger than average chance of becoming a vegetable. Go me.

Anyway, going on four days now of weakness, fever, sinusitis, cough, all that good crap.

Let's see...

Oh yeah, Happy Thanksgiving, to all those who celebrate it as such. If you don't, well, have a good day anyhow.

My cousin Paula brought her husband David to the family thing. If you'll recall, he's the one that pulled a knife on my mother and I. So yeah, I didn't beat the crap outta him after my Mom asked me not to, but we left after about an hour.

Got home. They took off for the bar, and I've been kinda sitting here, coughing occasionally, watching That 70's Show reruns. All in all, not the best Thanksgiving ever. Kinda lonely, kinda sad, pretty damn sick. Go me.

current mood: sick

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Thursday, November 17th, 2005
3:00 am - Baaahhh... Brain Fast, Mouth Slow...
Been extra contemplative lately. I think it's the onset of winter. It was snowing a minute ago while I was walking the dogs. I suppose I've always been prone to bouts of vacant staring that make me seem either a little odd or downright nutty. Just happens a little more often of late.

People have started wearing heavy coats. Heh. I give it two weeks in this weather before the first comment about me not wearing a coat.

I have some vague thoughts in my head, they've been floating around up there for the last few years. One of these days I'm going to have to put them on paper. Maybe it will help me clear a few things up. Or in the very least, add a little bit of focus to my vacant staring. Heh.

My chihuahua is capable of the most depressing facial expressions of any dog I've ever seen. His ears lay back, and he hunches over while sitting, and just trembles. His big, buggy eyes brim with tears. I dunno how he does it. It's all an act though. He's evil. And he's only cute if you think Jabba the Hut is sexy. But hey, I like him.

current mood: commiserative

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Wednesday, November 16th, 2005
3:30 am - So...
I sit out in my car, after pulling into the driveway. I'm staring at a dark house and listening to the same song, over and over.

I realize after a while that tears are growing cold on my face.

And for the life of me, I can't figure out why...

current mood: ...

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Monday, November 14th, 2005
12:02 am - Saddest Thing I Think I've Ever Heard
I don't like my cousin Chrissy. It may not come up much on here, but there's no doubt in my mind that she's a piece of trash. The kind of person that uses her kid's hunger to get sympathy money, then uses that money to go out drinking. That's my aunt Nancy and Ken Gannon's daughter. Her kids, on the other hand, are adorable. This apparently happened Saturday.

Chrissy's middle daughter, Alexis, all of 6 years old, was at her father's for the weekend. She is the only one of Chrissy's 3 kids who had a decent father, and he had her over for visitation every chance he got. Chrissy dropped her off early Friday. He was sick with some kind of stomach flu, but showing the crappy judgment that she does, Chrissy decided to let her stay anyway.

Saturday, at about three in the afternoon, Chrissy got a phone call from Alexis. She called because she was hungry, and her daddy wouldn't wake up to make her some food. She said she kept putting blankets on daddy, because he was cold, and she kept giving his face kisses to keep it warm. He was just so cold. And his leg was bent kinda funny, but when she tried to straighten it, she couldn't. She had slept in his bed with him, and she says they fell asleep at 11:46pm, which she remember because she had just learned how to understand time on her daddy's digital clock.

So Chrissy went over there right away. Alexis's father was dead, and had been so for about 14 hours.

He apparently aspirated vomit in his sleep, and died without even waking Alexis up.

current mood: morose

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Sunday, November 13th, 2005
1:55 am - I NEED a Cheeseburger...
Long day. Even longer day tomorrow. Sometimes I think that life beats you down until you're on your last legs, then lets you recover, only for the pure joy of beating you down again.

On the upshot, Leon was gone upon my waking, and he didn't even steal anything, not that I can tell. Of course, when I started to yell at my then-sober mother about the fiasco, she tried to twist it around so that it was somehow my fault. I've noticed that women in general seem to be very good at that. She failed, rather miserably. Even she couldn't figure out a reason why she was yelling at me, so I suppose I came out of the argument on top. At least it ended with her giving a half-ass apology. Somehow it just doesn't satisfy like it should.

Lately I've had difficulty maintaining my composure. It's odd. I know I have a temper, but it's always been sort of a slow burn. Pretty bad when it breaks, but I can usually keep it under control. Recently I've been going off like a damn volcano. Maybe it's just a sign that my nerves are frayed to breaking. Or maybe they put something in the water. Yeah, that's probably it. The water.

It's an odd thing, to crave human contact, and, at the same time, fear it. Makes you uncomfortable no matter what you do.

I used to think I was like an onion. You know, the layers bit. Now I've decided I'm more like a turnip. Not really sure why, but the word suits me.

If I told you that you have a nice body, would you take off your clothes and dance around a little? Heh.

current mood: passive-aggressive

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Saturday, November 12th, 2005
1:28 am - Lost
Just like a firework, burn bright and die.

Do you ever wonder how bright your flame will burn?

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Thursday, November 10th, 2005
5:24 am - ... Odd...
I think I was cocky tonight. No. Downright arrogant is more like it. Dunno why. Something clicked and I was suddenly at my most sarcastic, quick-witted and sharp-tongued. I'm sure I made an interesting impression. All out of... mild irritation? It was the first time I've ever been a group of mixed company and taken center stage. Very unlike me. I dunno what to think about that.

What comes next happened after all that... Heh.

My mother went out and got drunk tonight. Then she brings back an oh-so-pleasant drunken buddy from the bar. Some guy I've never even heard of. No, no, not like that. She's with Tony, thank you very much. But she felt sorry for Leon. Leon's girlfriend kicked him out, and today is Leon's birthday. Leon is too drunk to stand up, and so is she. Leon also happens to be one of the most annoying types of drunk people. The bipolar morose type that won't shut the hell up. And my happy go lucky, drunk-as-a-dumb-skunk-on-Sunday mother just went to bed and left me to babysit little old Leon. A guy I don't even know. When I have such a high tolerance for drunks, and an even higher tolerance for annoying strangers. Leon decided we had to watch Silence of the Lambs. Leon decided to giggle and say "Clarice" over and over when he wasn't moaning and giving me advice about life. You see, I thought to be nice, choke down the bile in my throat, and just read until the man dozed off. But nope, Leon decided to keep yelling at me, "Hey bro, check this out, ya see that?" at every change in scenery or plot twist in the movie. And we all know that Silence of the Lambs doesn't have any kind of scenery changes or plot twists, right? Oh no, Leon could hold his liquor, thank you very much. Leon had no intention of going to sleep anytime soon.

What was a guy to do? I did the only thing I could think of. I made a perfect stranger, a grown man probably 20 years my elder, go to bed before I kicked his ass. That's what I did. And if Leon isn't gone before I wake up, I swear I'm going to kick the ass of every person who gets in my way for the next week and a half. I swear it.

current mood: enraged

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Tuesday, November 8th, 2005
2:48 am - Dramatic Pause
Hmmm. Sometimes I think it's odd how varying different families can be when in the same subculture. I wonder how close or far off from the norm my childhood was. Near as I can tell, it is very, very far off, from my subculture, and most every other.

I think acquired mental disorders are to blame. The small, silent type. When my father was a boy, my grandfather made him fight with his brother until one or the other was beaten unconcious. Why? Because it was something funny to entertain his poker buddies. They may have bet on it too, I'm not sure. I only come by those histories in bits and pieces snatched here and there. Some were almost expected, others quite a shock, but all come from so many sources and in such a way that I have no choice but to believe them as true.

Let me make a list of them so as I don't forget. These are the things I have learned about my family history over the years, both immediate and prior to my birth. All, I think, culminate in my present condition. They come in no particular order, as I think of them.

My father was the second son of a violent drunk. The forced fistfights I mentioned were the least of it. He was also a product of my grandfather's ninth and final marriage, and he has more half-brothers and sisters than he has full blood by a fair margin, although he's not met a one of them. My grandmother is a nice woman, but she's a milksop. I think that's where my father gets his serve and obey attitude towards women. Good ol' granddad himself was apparently a treat. I don't remember him really, but he would have doted on me had he lived. He apparently softened some in his old age. As it stands however, I know that he had left home and was a coal miner by the age of 13. Not really sure when he entered the navy, though I know that was the direct cause of all the families scattered about. My aunts he treated as one might expect of a man who favored weakness in women. One openly resents him, though her siblings quell her during parties and get-togethers.

My father dropped out of school at a young age, not particularly sure, but it was before he was fifteen. I know that because that's when he fathered my sister. The claim is that the infant was given up to adoption, although my there's some suspicion that my youngest aunt isn't really my aunt. The ages are right, and my dad always favored her. Either way, somewhere I have a sister who is two months or so older than my mother.

At some point in his late teens my father became a minor drug trafficker. He imported foreign grown illegal narcotics back before it was the popular thing among sleezeballs. After a time, not sure how long, he was caught. The judge gave him the option of prison or the army, and he chose army, although he always claims he was drafted. So that's how he went to Vietnam. Don't know much about that. He was trained in Germany, and I think he spent some years there as some sort of reserve or some such. He never has talked about the actual war, save one instance I can remember. He mentioned a night raid, and having to drive mobile infantry in the dark with no lights to avoid being attacked. The vehicle he was in slipped off the road and rolled, and the gunner, who was half out on top of the vehicle, was crushed a pulp and his... bits... got all over the occupants. The poor guy was also one of my dad's best friends, apparently. That's the only thing he ever said about that, and I didn't ask any further.

At some point prior to the military he was a barber, and was again after his discharge, at least for a time. He may have also worked in some factories. Not sure. He started dating my mother when he was 32. She was 17, and had just graduated high school. She was of interest to him because she had inherited a large sum of money when her oldest brother was killed in a car accident while driving to her oldest sisters birthday. He was introduced to her by one Ken Gannon. Ken was my dad's childhood friend, not sure how far back. Ken was also either dating or married to my mother's second oldest sister, Nancy. Ken's an interesting guy, dead now. He was the type to steal anything not tied down, he slept around whenever possible, ruined his children's credit lines while they were still in diapers, and tried to rape my mother. I have a pretty strong feeling that I'm gonna piss on Ken's grave if I ever happen to be standing by it. Nancy is the aunt who died not too long ago from liver cirrhosis. My mother's whole family is plagued by alcoholism. Apparently my maternal grandfather was once an alcoholic, my remaining aunt is a borderline alcoholic, and my remaining uncle is every bit as bad as Nancy ever was. Can you understand why I don't drink?

Anyway, my dad was apparently charming, as I suppose he can sometimes be. The one severe beating he gave my mother before they got married apparently wasn't warning enough for her. When they tied the knot, she was 18. In the few years up until my birth his alcoholism and violence got worse. I think he blamed her for not getting pregnant. Apparently he wanted kids badly. He used to chuck empty scotch bottles at the neighbor's house for fun, and on more than one instance he terrified my mother's entire extended family. Mostly during social events, so I gather. After a while she just stopped going.

I was born when she was 21, and dear old dad was 36. They lived in california at the time, I suppose due to some job or another, but moved back to Ohio shortly after my birth. My mother had a miscarriage directly after me, and then Cory and Matt were born in succession, one baby a year for four years. My father made my mother get her tubes tied then, so to speak. He had started a new job in New York, and had a residence there, and I'm told after some time he also had a girlfriend. My mother, brothers, and I lived in a two bedroom apartment. I have only the vaguest memories of that time. They are some of my earliest, and maybe some of my worst. I remember that my mom slept through the day a lot. I think she drank, but I honestly couldn't prove it. I remember one Christmas when my aunt Nancy brought us gifts wrapped in newspaper, and we were naughty and opened them the next day while my mom slept. I got a fire truck, I think, and I remember being disappointed. I learned how to microwave an instant breakfast, though I could barely reach the buttons. I did that because Cory and Matt were hungry, and mom was asleep. Like I said, these are just fog, the faintest of memories. The last from there is driving away in the back of a police car with mom and Cory and Matt, watching dad argue with a policeman through the rear windshield. I remember I was crying.

After that they were divorced. My father got custody by pulling strings with a cousin and some friends in the court systems. We lived with my aunt for a while, the one who I suspect may be my sister. We all four shared a room in the attic, although it was spacious. The house was old, and the floor always gave me splinters until it was redone and carpeted. At some point my dad bought the house from my great-grandmother, who owned it. My aunt was just living there I think. My great-grandmother was in a nursing home. The attic room was refurbished and became the room my brothers and I shared.

I don't recall visiting my mother much, in the beginning. Later, dad told us it was because she was too busy partying. He told us in such a way that we believed it for fact without him offering any real proof. He's very good at that, even if you don't look up to him as a god. I know now that she was in the hospital with a string of illnesses. She has proof enough for that, although I wouldn't doubt she partied here and there. I remember learning how to change my brother's diapers. When we moved to that house, I was almost 5.

We started school. I did preschool and kindergarten at an educational center, as did Cory, though I think Matt went through normal public school routes. I remember failing, or almost failing first grade. I didn't really get the school thing down until some point in second grade.

I don't remember much of my visits to my mother at first. I think we stayed at my aunt Nancy's a great deal. I remember their neighbor had two big dogs that got out once and almost attacked us. My mother got remarried at some point. The guy she married was... interesting... That's all I'll say on that subject. After she was married I remember more of our visits with her. We helped her pick out our new place. I remember that being so neat. I remember she bought us scooters. I remember getting a dinosaur toy I really, really wanted. Time with dad was, well, time with dad. It wasn't bad when we were young, but as we got older it changed a bit. There were lots of reasons why you could get beaten in that house. I only remember a few things from that time. We pretty much ran wild in the neighborhood as much as possible. I remember we had very early bedtimes though, and not going to bed on time was not an option, not unless you liked the feel of bruises. He cursed us a lot too. Every foul word in the book. Mostly what sticks is that we were a burden and he resented us for it. But he was too vengeful to let my mother have us. Better his burden than her joy, I think.

Around the time I was eight or so was when my mother went to jail. Second degree forgery. One of her company's regular clients, a building contractor of sorts, asked her out to dinner to finalize a deal. Not an unusual request, I gather. Apparently he drugged her, she woke up two days later with no clothing. Her reaction was to rob the guy blind. She claims she gave the money to a charity, a homeless shelter I think. I have no proof either way, but if she kept it, she didn't spend near the amount she took.

Of course, she told us she was sick and had to go to the hospital, so we wouldn't see her for a long time. I remember crying over that, crying and crying like I've never done before. My father didn't reveal her lie for a while, but before she got out of prison we knew where she really was. That was when he started turning us against her. By the time she got out we were more afraid of her than anything else. I only saw her once after that, in a crowd during a parade. I remember just being in shock. She tried to call us, and we cursed her on the phone. She tried to get legal visitation, but my father pulled strings and fought it. The worst, I think, was when he prompted us to lie to a social worker. Or at least exaggerate the truth. As the oldest, my... testimony, as we'll call it... was the most coherent. I remember feeling shamed about it, and not really knowing why. I suppose I remembered her more than the other two did. Aside from that little bit in the parade, we never did see her again. She wrote hundreds of letters. I've seen them, all returned to sender. That explains why my dad was so violent whenever we looked at the mail.

None of her family would dare come near us. My father scared the hell out of them, and they are all cowards anyway. My mom's new beau, the right honorable jackass Tony, apparently offered to kill my dad on several occasions, but my mom refused to let him or anyone else on the grounds that it would hurt us. I still feel anger whenever Tony brings that up, although he thinks he's trying to console me, or be supportive, I think.

We got a little older, and started playing sports. That's when the gap between me and the others opened. Cory and Matt became jocks, and I became a brain. I learned how to cook and do laundry before I was 10, mostly thanks to a lazy babysitter named Brenda. Shortly after that I became the babysitter for Cory and Matt. Dad started to resent me as I got older and became better than him at some things. We moved from our little house to the upper-middle class preppy house I finished growing up in when I was 12, at the end of sixth grade. By then almost no act of violence could really surprise me. I had already developed my anxiety problems, and my inability to communicate with strangers. Probably some of my guilt and depression too. I don't think I hardly ever even talked to anyone but my friend Vince the whole of seventh grade, and the chance encounter that started that friendship didn't happen until midway through the year, I think. That was the year my eyesight started to fail. Eighth grade was a little easier. I had more friends, and had started to grow, although physically I must've been horrible to behold. Thick, ugly old man glasses, and just a general dork appearance. I got picked on a bit, and in some ways I became more withdrawn.

I kept on growing and changed glasses and freshman year went by in a blur. I hardly remember it. By sophomore year I no longer had to really worry about getting hit at home. I was too big for that. In retrospect I probably could've broken my dad in half by junior year, though the awe that held my anger in check didn't fade completely until well after I had moved out. My fights with Cory and Matt grew more violent as we got older, and dad became more resentful when he was in a house full of people bigger than himself; thanks to my mother's robust gene pool, I'm sure. That's when I really got used to people trying to stab me; Matt always did love going for a knife.

About that time is when dad really started to hate me, or what he had made of me rather. He tried to impose stricter rules, and reign me in. I ignored them, and there was an odd power struggle in those last few years. It ended with me acquiescing to his long term desires for me, and me ignoring his short term demands. I worked a lot in the summer. I stayed at other people's houses a lot. I mostly just stayed away as much as I could.

I didn't know it, but somewhere in that interval my mother tried to kill herself, maybe more than once. Digging out things like that is hard. She's a bundle of raw nerves held in check, and the slightest comment can make her sob.

I started cutting in my senior year. Not really sure why. Frustration I think. I would do it to remember this or that, but I feel the urge strongest when I'm frustrated.

After that everything is pretty well documented in this journal. I went off to college, living in a condo with my gay cousin Travis. Freaked out, had a little break down, followed by a year of R and R for "severe depression with psychotic features". Moved out again, went through some stuff with a pretty girl, reacquainted myself with my mother, and then lost both my father and the girl. In the same month I think, on those last two. So now, here I am.

Hmm... Odd. Didn't really intend to write a little crappy autobiography. Ah well, such is life.

current mood: tired

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Sunday, November 6th, 2005
1:47 am - I'm a Self-Serving Moron, But so are You!!
Not much going on. Tired. I was right about that head cold/whatever, it still hasn't gone away. Mild, but still there. It's funny, I'm so used to not getting enough sleep, I can get a temp recharge with just a 15 minute nap after being awake for two days straight. It's only good for about six hours, and I feel like hammered shit, but I can function without hallucinating. I seem prone to that lately... Maybe it's the early stages of madness. Hell, my luck and it's the late stages. Figures.

I've always been one to enjoy a lazy day in bed, but lately I've found myself wishing I didn't have to sleep at all. Did you ever get the feeling that if you blink, you'll miss something? Like that, but it's a long ass blink. That's my take on life in general. It's all just the time before we open our eyes again...

Look at me, waxing philosophical. God, somebody slap me. Hard. I like it hard... wait, that was off topic. I seem to stray pretty far afield lately. I can't even remember what I was originally going to post. Probably something about bunnies. I hate bunnies. There, that's done.

Doesn't the world make you sad? Not in a sardonic, pseudo-chic, this-is-stupid-aren't-I-savvy sort of sad, but really, truly, deeply sad. I see all the misery around me, and I watch everyone fighting their own misery, foisting it off on someone else, making new miseries to replace the old. Sometimes I can almost feel the oppressive weight of it, like an anvil on my back and chains on my feet. I wonder why no one else seems to see it? Or if they do, how do they hide it so well?

Sometimes, if I can make my mind go totally blank, I can guess what people are thinking. Or maybe the answers to questions, I dunno. I honestly can't remember what started it, I think it was a bet. I guessed 20 some things right in a row out of 3 different people. It's a pain in the ass, my mind doesn't like going blank. It works better when I'm really tired. Invisible cat tired. I suppose if my upper brain function is shutting down of its own accord, whatever subconscious event it is that lets me guess correctly kicks in with greater ease. I bring it up, because it earned me free lunch the other day. The girl at the restaurant was flirting with me, and I was tired, and somehow the conversation lead to me guessing her age, favorite color, favorite type of music, favorite movie, and I think something else too, can't remember. Anyway, she was all flirty and I ate for free. Whoopidy do.

She's nice, I may do something with her some day soon, if she wants to. I dunno. I dunno much of anything anymore.

I like accents. Dunno why. Maybe because I hate the sound of my own voice, and a heavily accented one is so far removed from my voice that I prefer it.

Hell I'm tired. Goodnight people. I gots me a 12 hour shift tomorrow. Sleep sweet. Dunno why I thought of you all the sudden, just did. Guess that's how things go.

current mood: vociferous

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